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- Sir Winston ChurchillThere are only two rules for being successful. One, figure out exactly what you want to do, and two, do it.
- Mario Cuomo
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread, because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC, because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
THANKS TO YOU, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema, because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers, because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
THANKS TO YOU, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my rump.
AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE, I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s best friend’s beautician . .
Oh, and by the way…..
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY
Mike Addo has the following
Last week, she checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.” She looked through the phone book and found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a silver dollar off his well oiled bum… She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I’ll give him a call.
“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you? . . Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!
Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks. We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything; I’m ready! Now how does that sound?”
He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line!
1502 – Christopher Columbus landed at Guanaja in the Bay Islands off the coast of Honduras during his fourth voyage.Lucky man
1733 – The first Freemasons lodge opened in what would later become the United States. No sign of this coming
1889 – Vladimir Zworykin, called the “Father of Television” was born in Russia. He invented the iconoscope.Never heard of him
1945 – The USS Indianapolis was torpedoed by a Japanese submarine. The ship had just delivered key components of the Hiroshima atomic bomb to the Pacific island of Tinian. Only 316 out of 1,196 men aboard survived the attack. This seems weird considering what had been delivered
1956 – The phrase “In God We Trust” was adopted as the U.S. national motto.
1965 – U.S. President Johnson signed into law Social Security Act that established Medicare and Medicaid. It went into effect the following year.Good
1974 – The U.S. House of Representatives Judiciary Committee voted to impeachPresident Nixon for blocking the Watergate investigation and for abuse of power.Good
1997 – 14 Israelis were killed in a double suicide bombing in a Jerusalem marketplace. The Islamist group Hamas claimed responsibility for the bombings.Horrible
1998 – A group of Ohio machine-shop workers (who call themselves the Lucky 13) won the $295.7 million Powerball jackpot. It was the largest-ever American lottery.I hope they all enjoyed their money
2001 – Lance Armstrong became the first American to win three consecutive Tours de France. Wonderful feat
2003 – In Mexico, the last ‘old style’ Volkswagon Beetle rolled off an assembly line. Great little car
1954, Slim Whitman, Billy Walker, Sugarfoot Collins, Sonny Harvelle, Tinker Fry, Curly Harris and a young Elvis Presley, all appeared at the Hillbilly Hoedown, Overton Park Shell, in Memphis Tennessee. Elvis was so nervous he stood up on the balls of his feet and shook his leg in time with the music, when he came offstage he asked why people were yelling at him. Someone told him it was because he was shaking his leg, which with the baggy pleated pants created a wild gyrating effect in time with the music.Someone’s been pulling my leg all these years
1960, The Elvis Presley album ‘Elvis is Back’ was at No.1 on the UK chart. The King was on a roll
. 1966, The Beatles started a five week run at No.1 on the US album chart with ‘Yesterday…And Today’, the group’s 8th No.1 album.Not released here?
1966, The Troggs started a two week run at No.1 on the US singles chart with ‘Wild Thing’.Paid their bills for many years
1967, The Who appeared at the Miami Beach Convention Hall, Miami, Florida.I’ll bet this was some gig
1968, The Beatles closed their Apple Boutique in London after seven months of business, giving away all the stock to passers by and Apple staff.An apple a day would have kept the debtors at bay
1969, The Beatles continued working on their forthcoming album Abbey Road…..This was not my favourite album
1973, Gary Glitter was at No.1 on the UK singles chart with ‘I’m The leader Of The Gang (I Am), the singers first of three No.1′s.Great music not so great a man
1974, Bruce Springsteen and the E Street Band played The Troubadour in Los Angeles, California on a double bill with Roger McGuinn from The Byrds. Nice gig
1977, The Bee Gees younger brother Andy Gibb started a four-week run at No.1 on the US singles chart with ‘I Just Wanna Be Your Everything’, his first of three US No.1′s, it peaked at No.26 in the UK. Didn’t do much in the UK
1978, Fleetwood Mac and Steve Miller Band appeared at the JFK Stadium, Philadelphia.Great night
1986, Boy George was fined £250 by a London court for possession of heroin. That would be a drop in the ocean for him
1986, Variety magazine reported that RCA had dropped John Denver from its roster after the release of his single, ‘What Are We Making Weapons For’. Variety said the song upset the record company’s new owner, General Electric, one of the largest defense contractors in the US.The whole rotten world is about money
1987, David Bowie kicked of the North American leg of The Glass Spider Tour at the Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.Good act
1988, Gary Glitter appeared in a full-page ad in the NME pictured holding a very large tub of skin rejuvenating cream. The heading being ‘The things people do to keep hold of their young persons Railcard’.Many a true word is spoken in jest
1988, Steve Winwood started a four week run at No.1 on the US singles chart with ‘Roll With It’, a No.53 hit in the UK.Still a popular song
1993, Founder member and original bassist for The Wonder Stuff, Rob Jones died in New York aged 29. Vic Reeves and The Wonder Stuff had the 1991 UK No.1 with ‘Dizzy’, (a No.1 for Tommy Roe in 1969).Quite a good cover
1994, Rage Against The Machine, Bjork, Blur, Manic Street Preachers, Del Amitri, Primal Scream, Crowded House, Oasis and Aimee Mann all appeared at this year’s two-day T In The Park festival in Scotland. Not a lot for me
1995, R.E.M. Sleeper, The Cranberries and Radiohead all appeared at the National Bowl, Milton Keynes, England.Maybe REM
1997, A judge in Los Angeles ruled that Michael Jackson and members of his family were not liable for losses incurred by the producers of the failed 1994 Jackson Family Honors TV special. The show was delayed for several weeks because Jackson was ill and could not perform solo as expected.Call was good
1998, Jamiroquai were at No.1 on the UK singles chart with ‘Deeper Underground’, the first single from the album Synkronized. It was included in the soundtrack of the movie Godzilla.Good track
2003, Sam Phillips the founder of Sun Records and studio died of respiratory failure at St. Francis Hospital in Memphis, Tennessee. In the 1940s, Phillips worked as a DJ for Muscle Shoals, Alabama radio station WLAY. Phillips recorded what some consider to be the first rock and roll record, ‘Rocket 88’ by Jackie Brenston and his Delta Cats in 1951. He discovered Elvis Presley, worked with Carl Perkins, Johnny Cash, Roy Orbison, Ike Turner, B.B. King and Jerry Lee Lewis.He was obviously a pivotal figure in the history of rock n roll
2005, A new book published to mark the 35th anniversary of the death of Jimi Hendrix claimed the guitarist pretended to be gay so he would be discharged from the army. “Room Full of Mirrors” by Charles Cross said army records showed Hendrix was discharged from the 101st Airborne Division aged 19 in 1962 for “homosexual tendencies.” I thought it was something to do with a broken ankle
2006, Shakira feat Wyclef Jean started a four week run at No.1 on the UK singles chart with ‘Hips Don’t Lie.’ A remake of Wyclef Jean’s 2004 song ‘Dance Like This’, the song went on to top the charts in over 50 countries. The song is the biggest selling single of the 21st century by a female artist worldwide. Shakira is dynamite!
2007, A man admitted bootlegging charges after hearing evidence from Led Zeppelin guitarist Jimmy Page. Robert Langley, 57, from Buckingham, originally denied three trademark and two copyright infringements after being caught at a record fair in Glasgow. The seizure of CDs and DVDs two years ago included £11,500 of counterfeit Led Zeppelin material. I’ll bet he’d made his money by this time
2009, Procol Harum organist Matthew Fisher won his long battle to be recognised as co-writer of the band’s hit ‘Whiter Shade of Pale.’ Law Lords ruled that Fisher, who claimed he wrote the song’s organ melody, was entitled to a share of future royalties. In 2006, the High Court ruled he was entitled to 40% of the copyright, but the Court Of Appeal overturned the ruling in 2008 saying he waited too long, 38 years, to bring the case to court. If he’d brought the case to Spain he might have had a better outcome!
1941, Paul Anka, singer, (1957 UK & US No.1 single ‘Diana’. The single sold over 9 million copies world- wide). Wrote many classic songs including: ‘It Doesn’t Matter Anymore’, ‘Puppy Love’ and the lyrics to ‘My Way.’
1945, David Sanborn, saxophone, US session player, worked with Stevie Wonder, James Taylor, David Bowie.
1946, Jeffrey Hammond Hammond, bass, Jethro Tull, (1969 UK No.3 & UK No.11 single ‘Living In The Past’).
1949, Andy Scott, guitar, Sweet, (1973 UK No.1 single ‘Blockbuster’, plus 14 other UK Top 40 singles). Sweet scored four top-ten hits in the US: Little Willy, Ballroom Blitz, Fox On The Run, and Love Is Like Oxygen.
1949, Joyce Jones, singer, First Choice, (1973 UK No.9 single ‘Smarty Pants). 1949, Born on this day, Hugh Nicholson, Marmalade, (1969 UK No.1 single ‘Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da”).
1956, Phil Phearon, vocals, Galaxy, (1983 UK No.4 single ‘Dancing Night’)
1958, Kate Bush, UK singer, songwriter, (1978 UK No.1 single ‘Wuthering Heights’ plus over 20 other UK Top singles. Her 1985 UK No.1 album ‘Hounds Of Love’ spent 52 weeks on the chart).
1968, Sean Moore, drums, Manic Street Preachers, (1996 UK No.2 single ‘A Design For Life’ 1998 UK No.1 album ‘This Is My Truth Tell Me Yours’)
Born on this day