Friday 31st August 2012 Only Words!

Vince’s Daily Podcast is always waiting for you. In 2006, The Times ran a story on the demands of rock stars when on tour. Ozzy Osbourne insists on an eye, ear, nose and throat doctor at each venue. The Beach Boys require a licensed masseur, Meat Loaf a mask and one small tank of oxygen. David Bowie requests that the dressing room temperature is between 14c and 18c and Paul McCartney must have a large arrangement of white Casablanca lilies in his dressing room. Mick Jagger must have an onstage autocue with the lyrics to all the songs, it would also tell him the name of the city in which they were performing

 The weather changed with a vengeance today. We often get the tail end of the American weather systems but this involved high winds and storms and torrential rain. Having agreed to take the little people back to Terra Mitica my heart was at odds with what my eyes were seeing. It was pretty obvious a storm was brewing and it arrived about 30 minutes into the expedition around 10 minutes ahead of the proposed visit to the water rides. Instead of sitting comfortably and getting drenched the heavens opened and I revisited the weather reserved for Cornwall’s finest days. We, along with the assembled representatives of the United Nations, stood and tried to shelter from the tropical rains-almost monsoon-like in their ferocity. The irony of the matter was that as we stood and tried to shelter the steam was being blown over us to cool our bodies which were rapidly dropping in temperature. After around 30 minutes of torrential rain I began to realise how rice must feel after each deluge. I sported a new hairstyle -much to the delight of the little people. I also learned once again how to walk in soggy trousers. Fortunately, we were fairly near a snack bar and there was a cup of coffee available. The irony of this was held in the picture on the wall of a beautiful cup of coffee whereas the reality was the vending machine cup and add your own sweetness. Job done!

The Paralympics have got off to another amazing start for team GB and the Gold medals have already been won. Remembering that Britain has been a major advocate of the expansion of these games since the 19825 Year of the Disable then it’s success well deserved. I wouldn’t even bet against team GB leading the medal table at the end of these Games.

Scottish Medicine

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of Patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
“Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye tak yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs ma airm.”
Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. > The
Patient responds:
“Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.”
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the Prince moves on to > the
Next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
“Wee sleekit, courin, timrous beasty,
O whit a panic’s in thy breasty,
Tha needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickerin’ brattle.”
Now seriously troubled, Charles turns to the accompanying doctor and asks
“Is this a psychiatric ward?”
No,” replies the doctor, “this is the serious Burns unit.”

———————————————————————

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.”
The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the Barbie this weekend!” and “The Barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

– John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person

———————————————————————

1823 – Ferdinand VII was restored to the throne of Spain when invited French forces entered Cadiz. The event is known as the Battle of Trocadero.

1881 – The first tennis championships in the U.S. were played. They’re still going today

1887 – The kinetoscope was patented by Thomas Edison. The device was used to produce moving pictures. Clever stuff

1888 – Mary Ann “Polly” Nicholls was found murdered in London. The murder is generally accepted as the first “Jack the Ripper” crime.

1940 – Lawrence Olivier and Vivian Leigh were married. Classic

1962 – The Caribbean nations Tobago and Trinidad became independent within the British Commonwealth. We lost our best sprinters

1964 – California officially became the most populated state in America.

1969 – The boxer Rocky Marciano died in an airplane crash in Iowa. A legend

1980 – Poland’s Solidarity labour movement was born with an agreement signed in Gdansk that ended a 17-day strike.

1986 – The Admiral Nakhimov, a Soviet passenger ship, collided with a merchant vessel in the Black Sea. 448 people were killed when both ships sank. Dreadful

1988 – A Delta Boeing 727 crashed during takeoff at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport in Texas. Fourteen people were killed in the accident that was later blamed on the crew’s failure to set the wing flaps in their proper position.

1989 – Great Britain’s Princess Anne and Mark Phillips announced that they were separating. The marriage was 16 years old. Pity

1990 – U.N. Secretary-General Javier Perez de Cuellar met with the Iraqi Foreign Minister Tariq Aziz to try and negotiate a solution to the crisis in the Persian Gulf. They were not serious about negotiating in Iraq

1990 – East and West Germany signed a treaty that meant the harmonizing of political and legal systems.

1991 – Uzbekistan and Kirghiziz declared their independence from the Soviet Union. They were the 9th and 10th republics to announce their plans to secede.

1994 – A cease-fire was declared by the Irish Republican Army after 25 years of bloodshed in Northern Ireland. Thank God

1994 – Russia officially ended its military presence in the former East Germany and the Baltics after a half-century.

1997 – Princess Diana of Wales died at age 36 in a car crash in Paris. Her companion, Dodi Fayed, and their chauffeur were also killed.We still miss her

1998 – A ballistic missile was fired over Japan by North Korea. The missile landed in stages in the waters around Japan. There was no known target. Does not augur well for the future

1998 – U.S. embassies in Ghana and Togo were closed indefinitely because of security threats.

1998 – “Titanic” became the first movie in North America to earn more than $600 million.

1999 – At least 69 people were killed when a Boeing 737 crashed just after take off in Buenos Aires, Argentina. Horrible